Attitude is Everything!!

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pumptruck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimand ed but punished.' Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

Yesterday my younger sister Amy (AKA 'Lil Teapot') and her husband Phil experienced their first earthquake living on the Southern Coast of Californ I A.

A salute to their de-virginizing ride of sway and zig-n-zag. They Beerly lived to tell about it. Per hops they might get an invite on the Jay Leno show and at yeast share the barly tale.

Hip Hip Hooray to them and the " Pasta POT of protection" . . . now i am off to Crate and Barrel to get my emergency pot protector before the shelves are beer. (I wonder if a colander will work, much more stylish?)

:)

Getting in Shape for 2009

Points to Ponder:

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Set A Goal to Live Longer and Healthier and plus it helps you smile more :)

-Mark

Turtle Soup Etiquette:

Two missionaries were captured by a tribe of cannibals who put them in a large pot of boiling water. After a few minutes, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. "What's so funny?" said the other. The first missionary replied: "I just peed in the soup!"

I was eating soup at a restaurant the other night when I dropped my spoon. A waiter walking past at that moment immediately produced one from his pocket and placed it before me. "Do you always carry a soup spoon in your pocket?" I asked. "Well sir," he said, "We had an efficiency expert give a lecture here last week and he told us that 30 percent of all diners who order soup drop their spoons. So rather than make such frequent trips back to the silverware station he advised us to all carry soup spoons to save time." I had to agree it made sense in an odd sort of way. During dessert I noticed the same waiter walk by, and there was a string dangling from his fly. I motioned him over and discreetly pointed it out. "Thank you sir." he said. "This is part of the efficiency program as well. You see, the other end of the string is attached to my, um, privates. When we male waiters need to pee, we just unzip our fly, use the loose end of the string to pull ourselves out, and pee without ever touching anything. Therefore we don't have to wash our hands and it saves about a minute each time." I thought about this for a moment then asked him, "But how do you get yourself back in your pants?" "I don't know what the other waiters do sir, but I use the soup spoon."

"Which hand should you use to stir the soup?" "Neither, you should use a spoon."

"Waiter, come here and taste this soup." "Where's the spoon?" "Gotcha!"

A middle-aged man was sitting in a truck stop when three mean-looking bikers walked in. The first walked over to the man and stubbed a cigarette out in his soup. Then the second biker spat in the soup. Finally the third biker picked up the bowl of soup and threw it on the floor. Without saying a word, the man got up and left. "He wasn't much of a man, was he?" sneered one of the bikers to the waitress. "Not much of a truck driver, either," she said. "He just backed his truck over 3 motorcycles."

Old Perceval decided to treat himself for his 100th birthday. So he flew first-class to San Francisco and checked into the Fairmont Hotel. The mischievous hotel concierge got an idea and, as a practical joke, sent a call girl up to his room.She knocked, and the old fellow walked slowly over and opened the door. He saw a beautiful red-headed woman standing before him."I have a birthday present for you," she said, and smiled.She leaned forward and whispered, "I'm here to give you super sex.""Thanks," he said thoughtfully, "I'll take the soup."

The long line of solemn men and women advanced up the church aisle. One by one they paused before the altar to lay bouquets on an open coffin. All except one woman. Instead of flowers, she set a bowl of steaming gumbo beside the dearly departed's face. "Why did you do that?" an usher asked, "This man's soup-eating days are over." "Oh?" She replied, "You think he's still smelling the roses?"

Q: How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? A: Read the label.

"Always remember to thank a soldier from , past and present . . . for giving you the freedoms you so enjoy"

"Sometimes you have to take the road less traveled"