Turtle Soup Etiquette:

Two missionaries were captured by a tribe of cannibals who put them in a large pot of boiling water. After a few minutes, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. "What's so funny?" said the other. The first missionary replied: "I just peed in the soup!"

I was eating soup at a restaurant the other night when I dropped my spoon. A waiter walking past at that moment immediately produced one from his pocket and placed it before me. "Do you always carry a soup spoon in your pocket?" I asked. "Well sir," he said, "We had an efficiency expert give a lecture here last week and he told us that 30 percent of all diners who order soup drop their spoons. So rather than make such frequent trips back to the silverware station he advised us to all carry soup spoons to save time." I had to agree it made sense in an odd sort of way. During dessert I noticed the same waiter walk by, and there was a string dangling from his fly. I motioned him over and discreetly pointed it out. "Thank you sir." he said. "This is part of the efficiency program as well. You see, the other end of the string is attached to my, um, privates. When we male waiters need to pee, we just unzip our fly, use the loose end of the string to pull ourselves out, and pee without ever touching anything. Therefore we don't have to wash our hands and it saves about a minute each time." I thought about this for a moment then asked him, "But how do you get yourself back in your pants?" "I don't know what the other waiters do sir, but I use the soup spoon."

"Which hand should you use to stir the soup?" "Neither, you should use a spoon."

"Waiter, come here and taste this soup." "Where's the spoon?" "Gotcha!"

A middle-aged man was sitting in a truck stop when three mean-looking bikers walked in. The first walked over to the man and stubbed a cigarette out in his soup. Then the second biker spat in the soup. Finally the third biker picked up the bowl of soup and threw it on the floor. Without saying a word, the man got up and left. "He wasn't much of a man, was he?" sneered one of the bikers to the waitress. "Not much of a truck driver, either," she said. "He just backed his truck over 3 motorcycles."

Old Perceval decided to treat himself for his 100th birthday. So he flew first-class to San Francisco and checked into the Fairmont Hotel. The mischievous hotel concierge got an idea and, as a practical joke, sent a call girl up to his room.She knocked, and the old fellow walked slowly over and opened the door. He saw a beautiful red-headed woman standing before him."I have a birthday present for you," she said, and smiled.She leaned forward and whispered, "I'm here to give you super sex.""Thanks," he said thoughtfully, "I'll take the soup."

The long line of solemn men and women advanced up the church aisle. One by one they paused before the altar to lay bouquets on an open coffin. All except one woman. Instead of flowers, she set a bowl of steaming gumbo beside the dearly departed's face. "Why did you do that?" an usher asked, "This man's soup-eating days are over." "Oh?" She replied, "You think he's still smelling the roses?"

Q: How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? A: Read the label.